The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
You Might Also Like
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only