Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
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My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler