I don’t think my car can fly
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It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.