Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
oh sorry i cant im busy that day