People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
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I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
#oldknees
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.