Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
men, we mow at sunrise.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”