*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
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REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*