The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
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I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Blew my mind.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I hate when that happens.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun