Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
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I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old