The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
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*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.