ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
This is a bad sign
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers