Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
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Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana