{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
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The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern