Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
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I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
It’s actually Dr. whatever
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.