Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Sooo many times…..
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Good advice.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?