My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
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I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
sistine chapel
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”