Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
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My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
This rocks
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.