I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE