Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
You Might Also Like
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
[eats all your cotton candy]
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.