To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
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Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
crazy
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Phonetics
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.