I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)