Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
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[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
SF is the wild wild west man
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I bet
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Message from the dog groomers
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.