I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
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To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Does it…does it take 3 days