Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
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*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Meme Monday.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
nothing saves money like being antisocial