My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
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Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
*seductively corrects your posture*
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.