the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Breaking news:
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!