Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
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[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
What the hell happened here.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
oh my god
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage