Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
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hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
🖤✌🏽
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.