There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Cat is stressing him out.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
he was correct
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.