I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
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SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part