Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
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I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.