how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card