Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.