Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
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my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Science memes
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Just say no
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.