Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
hi why am I like this
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Love this one 😂🧟
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”