The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
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“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica