Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
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Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.