My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
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H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Not my job 😂
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I’m good, thanks.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.