One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch