“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
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Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
the #horror is real!
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
😂 amazing answer
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
a god among men
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*