Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
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You’ll be OK
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia