Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
You Might Also Like
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack