Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
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My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.