“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
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Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I found your tweet-up…
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”