Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.