This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
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Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.