I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
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[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
tis the season
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.