Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
🙂🐾
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.