I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
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I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?