If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
You Might Also Like
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.